Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Jessica's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, November 18th, 2009
5:54 pm	Frustrated beyond belief So I have hit another one of my "bad" moods.....started last night, just started thinking about everything. Living at home again has really got me in a bad mood.....been back for a year already, time really flys. This time around it is very different due to nick and steph seperating, so the kids aren't here as much. That has been a huge adjustment for everyone I think. I enjoy the peacefulness but then it just leaves time for the adults to bicker and fight over stupid shit that is pointless. I think I am just spending way too much time around my mom......pretty much everything she does lately annoys me......and I'm not sure if it's just me being annoyed or if it annoys anyone else too. This whole working and living together isn't working out so great anymore. There is hardly ever any silence.......lunch time she's talking or chewing loudly, ride home she's talking or attempting to sing.....just constant noise all day long. I am kind of pissed at myself for not being where I wanted to be by now in life.........I figured I'd be married with a few kids by now. But instead I'm still at the same shitty job I have been at for 10 years, still living at home, single, beyond broke.....this is not how I pictured life at all. I'm almost 30 years old and have yet to do anything worth talking about with my life. Everything I have attempted to do in life I either quit because it got too hard, quit because I felt guilty for doing something for myself or just plain haven't finished it. I have a very hard time completely things, yet have a thousand ideas on things to do. It is very frustrating and kills my motivation because I know if I do start something eventually down the road I will just give up like I do every time. I have never had a serious relationship last past six months.....majority of my relationships have been based purely on sexual desires due to my lack of self confidence......granted I don't regret many of them because I have met some good guys throughout the journey of relationships, I just wish I could find what I really want. I mean most if not all of my friends have found love, married or are getting married, having kids and all of that stuff. I just feel like I am stuck in a spot in life and no matter what I do I don't go forward.....I either stay the same or fuck up majorly and go back a few steps. It's extremely hard to want to get motivated to do anything in life when I know eventually something will go bad and crush whatever I was doing or wanting to do. I have been thinking about moving out of state for quite sometime now, but I'm not 100% sure about that.......I mean I have never like california and probably never will and it seems the state is getting worse each day that passes. And right now would be the ideal time for me to move out of state if I were going to.......I'm single, no kids, nothing really holding me here.....I would miss carter and caitlin a great deal though. But I also think I would be a lot more happy somewhere else then here. The thought of having to survive on my own here scares me to death because everything is so expensive, I feel I would never be able to own a house, or do fun vacations. I have found some great houses in texas for 200,000 that are amazing and just as big as the houses here. I think I need a slower paced life, friendly people that aren't materialistic. I just need a change something for myself, something that nobody is making me do to please them. I'm tired of being a people pleaser......having to please everyone except myself....what kind of life is that? Living for other people. I can't help it though, it's how I am....always there to help no matter what. I just figured life was more of a give and take relationship instead of giving 100% all the time and never getting. Guess I'm still a little naive sometimes. Thinking people are better than what they really are. I started reading Tao of Pooh last night......a good friend of mine told me to read it a long time ago but I never finished it, so I am hoping it will give me a better understanding and outlook on life. Current Mood: blah (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 4th, 2009
10:56 pm	"Wasted time" I heard this song on So You Think You Can Dance and it really hit me hard because this is exactly what I am going through right now with someone and it's frustrating the hell out of me and am pissed I can't shake him. Wasted Time By Me'Shell NdegeOcello You rarely notice but I I hang on your every word,everything you say You're much to busy to notice me,you turn and walk away Into another's arms,hopeless and shamed Wish i could hold you that way Broken hearted i dream for you to notice me Wasted time,on loving you Wasted time Wasted time,on someone who won't love you As much as I,as much as I In my fantasy,you are asleep beside me I feel you breath If only i could be there for you The one that you make love to Wasted time,on loving you Wasted time Wasted time,on someone who won't love you As much as I,as much as I In my fantasy you are asleep beside me I feel you breath If only i could be there for you The one that you make love to Wasted Time,on loving you Wasted time Wasted time,on someone who won't love you As much as I,as much as I You rarely notice but I I hang on your every word,everything you say You're much to busy to notice me,you turn and walk away Into another's arms,hopeless and shamed Wish i could hold you that way Broken hearted i dream for you to notice me (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 7th, 2009
10:39 pm	Where to go from here I am so confused right now and again it's all my damn fault. I get myself into this position every freaking time, you'd think by now I would learn my lesson but apparently I have a real thick head that doesn't learn the obvious. Why do I put myself through this stress, this frustration, uncertain uneasy unhealthy feelings? Who the hell would put themselves through all this over and over again and expect things to come out differently? What the hell is wrong with me? I don't ask a lot from a guy, honestly I think I'm the easiest person to please in a relationship. I don't care if he goes out with his guy friends, I don't care if he watches sports, I don't mind cooking for him and pampering him, I do because I want to see him happy because he makes me happy. All I ask is that there's respect, honesty and more then just sex. Even if the sex is the best in the world without romantical loving feelings to back it up the sex means nothing and won't hold me. Yet I fall for the same guys everytime thinking this one will be different, this time he'll truly like me for me and not because I love sex, this time he'll want to be with me, he'll want to cuddle, take walks, talk, and be with me and sex won't be that important. Who the fuck am I kidding? Why do I try to fight the obvious, why can't I face the truth, why me? Current Mood: confused (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, November 24th, 2008
7:59 am	Good song Feel that Fire by Dierks Bentley. She wants her nails painted black She wants the toy in the crackerjack She wants to ride the bull at the rodeo She wants to wear my shirt to bed She wants to make every stray a pet N' Drive around in my truck with no place to go But she needs to feel that fire The one that lets her know for sure She's everything I want and more A real desire, Does she know I'd walk alone out on the wire To make her feel that fire She wants a cabin in the woods She wants to stand where nobody stood And someday she wants a couple kids of her own She wants to make love on a train And somedays she only wants a break Hey but she wants what she wants, but man I know I know I know She needs to feel that fire The one that lets her know for sure She's everything I want and more A real desire, Does she know I'd walk alone out on the wire To make her feel that fire Yeah, feel that fire So as long as there's a breath to take A smile to share, a prayer to pray A chance to hold her hand to fan the flame She's gonna feel that fire The one that lets her know for sure She's everything I want and more A real desire, Does she know I'd walk alone out on the wire To make her feel that fire Ohh feel that fire She wants her nails painted black She wants the toy in the crackerjack She wants to ride the bull at the rodeo (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 23rd, 2008
10:15 pm	Long over due update Well it's been awhile since I have updated so I figured now would be a good tme to do some kind of update. I am moving back home next weekend, not really looking forward to it but something I need to do because I got in over my head with the apartment. I am in a lot of debt, so moving home will help with that. I also miss carter and caitlin a great deal, so seeing them more will be nice. I just am not looking forward to all the bickering that goes on in the house, it seems to have gotten worse the last few times I was over visiting. They fight over the stupidest things. So, we'll see how things go, it will be a temporary situation, just until I finish school, and save up money to move, and I want to pay off all my debt. My brother had his mister happy snipped on friday, I was kind of shocked he was having it done. Work is going pretty good now that I got my job back. I quit mid April because I thought I had a nanny job lined up, but that didn't work out so I had to go back to the office job even though I didn't want to. We're geting several new clients so work is really picking up and everyone is stressed out because the boss won't hire anyone new to help out. My love life is somewhat confusing right now. I've had 2 dates dsince March........went out with Joe back in March around my birthday....extremely nice guy and had a great date. We went to downtown disney, played some games in ESPN Zone, it was a lot of fun, then we went to a pool hall in anaheim, that I never knew existed, but we had a lot of fun there alos. All around he was a great guy but hit a rough patch shortly after our date and I haven't heard from him since. Then I went out with Dan in late october......he was another nice guy but he got busy wtih work and haven't heard from him in awhile either. We went minature golfing and then went to eat at Charlie's chili.......it was a very nice date. Then a few days later he came over and I gave him a massage and we fooled around.....it was very sweet and nice. And then there's Brian......we met early Sept.....I answered his craigslist ad. It is strictly a sexual relationship, Dom/sub. We email each other at work and talk about other stuff but overall it's pretty sexual. Well I told him I had stronger feelings then just sex because I think he's a good guy overall and I would like to take things outside the bedroom. He said he likes me also, and just wants things to develope naturally because he was in a rough relationship before and has a hard time with relationships. As hard as it is for me to keep my feelings under control I am trying to do it and trying real hard not to over react to some things. It is very hard though. So I don't know what wil happen between us, I just am pissed at myself for getting in this situation yet agin, you'd think I'd have learned my lesson from the past.....apparently though it takes a lot for me to learn a lesson. Well I'm tired so I'm going to bed, will write more later. Current Mood: confused (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 2nd, 2008
9:46 pm	Crappy feeling The new show baby borrowers started last week and it's a very interesting show. The only problem is it has started me once again wanting my own child. I really hate this......I know I'm not even close to being ready for a child of my own and I still have things I want to finish before I start thinking about having a child and I want to be in a good relationship. But that feeling of wanting a child is getting stronger as I get older. Most people I know have a kid, or two and I'm completely jealous of them. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Ok that is all I need sleep Current Mood: annoyed (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 13th, 2008
10:56 am	Update Well I know it’s been a long time since I have written and that’s partly due to the fact that I don’t have a computer at home right now, so it is hard to get on to update. So I will give the highlights of what has been going on the past couple of months. The whole gary thing is over, I got tired of paying for everything and he was mad because at the time I was still living at home and couldn’t see him as much as he would have liked. So, I stopped talking to him………the other day though he texted me out of the blue, said he was thinking about me. That was kind of odd because it’s been like two months since we’ve talked or seen each other. He just told me he might have to have some surgery done because he was in a car accident. In Dec, I moved out to my own apartment in Tustin, just myself no roommates. I had to get out of the house because I was going insane. Unfortunately sanity comes with a cost that has made me living pay to pay check now which sucks but I am looking for a new job. I’m trying to get a nanny job and a part time job delivering pizza’s or something. It has been nice being out on my own again, just sucks that I don’t have a computer. I guess in a way it’s a good thing, but it gets real boring. Well shortly after I moved out my nephew (carter) got really sick. We thought he just had a real bad flu, but after 4 days of not eating and having no energy at all, they took him to the doctors for a check up and apparently his appendix had burst and he had an infection because we had no idea it had happened. So he had to spend 9 days at CHOC to drain the infection and deal with that and then after 3 months they take the appendix out. They say that the infection has to go away so they can tell what the appendix looks like because if they go in now they won’t be able to tell the appendix. So, they put a tube in his belly so the infection could drain out, and after the 9 days he got to go home but had to keep the drain in. That was the longest 9 days ever, because towards the end he was feeling back to himself again and was so ready to go home, didn’t quite understand why he couldn’t go since he felt better. So it was tough keeping his spirits up, every time someone came to visit and left he’d start to get all sad because he wanted to go home also. So, he came home was doing great, draining like he was suppose to and taking his medicine. Then about two weeks ago he got the drain taken out because they thought he was done and everything had come out. Well they were wrong because last Sunday (feb 10th) he went into the emergency room around 3am because his stomach hurt. He’s in the hospital right now, there’s a cist on the appendix now and that is what is hurting him. This time around seems a little harder because he knows what to expect and he seems to be in more pain. He has been going to sleep around 6pm which isn’t like him, and he’s more sad this time so it’s rougher. Plus we aren’t sure when they are going to do the surgery to get the appendix out……..the surgeon that makes the rounds says they want to wait 2 more weeks, but my brother hasn’t talked to the first surgeon that helped him the first time, they are hoping he will say something different. Because carter can’t handle 2 weeks in the hospital and we can’t handle it either, very difficult juggling schedules……my sister in-law started nursing school so her schedule is full right now. So, we’ve been taking shifts to be there with him. Other then all of that stuff not much has been going on, just typical life stuff. Oh! I went to the garth brooks concert Jan 25th with tricia. It was so much fun. He did 5 concerts fri and sat. It was at the Staple Center and was a lot better then when I saw him at the Forum. He was raising money for CA fire fighters, so they had a CBS special. Afterwards Tricia and I decided to go the Brandin’ Iron (country club). It took us awhile to get there because A. we had no idea where it was, just directions from their recording and B. it was out in Colton so from L.A. to Colton it was a fairly long drive. We got there and they had a live band and it was fairly crowded. It was my first time going so I had no idea what to expect, tricia got a drink and we sat down at a table. I was enjoying the music and the cowboys. As the night went on Tricia was drinking more and more, dancing with pretty much anyone who would dance with her (male or female), she was having a good time. But eventually she got way too drunk and was pressuring people into dancing and getting some people angry. Well around 1am I told her I had to leave, she apparently didn’t hear me even though she said ok. So, I went and waited in the car for her, I texted her a few times telling her we had to go, she didn’t want to, this went on for about a hour……finally I texted her I’m leaving find your own way home. I didn’t leave, I was just trying to get her out, finally she had a guy walk her out to the car. She was crying because of the text I had sent her…….I so want to hit her at the point because I was pissed that she kept me waiting because when we first got there she told me she’d leave when I wanted to. So, the drive home was a very awkward silence, we got back to my place said our goodbyes and she left. I think that night put a huge dent in our relationship because even though she texted to apologize for her actions the next day and I forgave her because I knew it was the alcohol, I still lost a little trust and faith in her. Alrighty I think that is a mighty good update for now, so I shall go now. Bye bye! =) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 6th, 2007
11:59 pm	Difficult Alrighty this is gonna be a freaking long ass ramble that probably won't make any sense at all but I got crap I need to get out so I am just gonna type until my fingers hurt. I came home from a somewhat boring, long, dragged out day at work. The minute I got home the kids were fighting and acting crazy so it was somewhat loud........their mom was trying to cook dinner and clean the house up a little bit because they were having a den meeting over at our house for scouts, my brother was upstairs doing god knows what. So, he comes down sternly telling the kids to pick their toys up, then yelling at them when they are because they are making noise so he thinks they're playing but they aren't. Then everytime either one of kids makes any noise whatsoever while watching tv he is telling them to be quiet or he'll turn the movie off. It's like he wants them to sit there like statues and do absolutely nothing at all but stare at the tv. I mean they are freaking kids........kids talk, kids move, kids do not sit still for any length of time. Then my dad came home and apparently he woke up on the wrong side of the bed......he wanted to go see American Gangster with my mom while the scout meeting was going on so they wouldn't be making noise watching tv or something. Well turned out the movie is like two hours and forty minutes and my mom thought that was too long to watch and a movie, and by the time they got out it would be too late to eat dinner. So he got all huffy about that and is like well what do you want to do then. My mom suggested christmas shopping and dinner. So they left, I went upstairs on the computer for awhile, then took a nice long hot bath because usually that gets me out of my bad moods. Well afterwards the meeting was still going on so I stayed upstairs on the computer, after everyone had left my brother tucked the kids into bed where there was more yelling because my niece likes to get her brother in trouble, and my brother hates tattle telling and then while reading books to them he got pissed at my niece for sucking her thumb. So that's when I decided to go see a movie to get my mind off of things. Because I had texted Gary to let him know I needed a hug because I felt like crap. So I suggested we go see the movie together, well he's broke so there went that bright idea even though I would have paid for it, I didn't want to keep after him. So I went alone, which was nice I was the only one in the movie. It was a great movie, saw Martian child.......I love John Cusack so freaking much. It was a heart warming movie which is exactly what I needed, it allowed me to cry my eyes out. After the movie was over I drove around for about a half hour doing some more crying, not a clue why it just all came out, I was balling my eyes out. I haven't cried that hard in a long freaking time, and balling your eyes out while driving is tough to do. Then I came home around 11:40, got some water, and came online again. I think I have just had so much going on in my head and heart that it all just came out tonight. Between wanting a new job, wanting to move out, gary, family, school, and everything else racing through my mind I think my brain just had enough and need to get it out in the open. Because the long cry helped a great deal, crying is a very magical thing and blows my mind away. Alrighty that is it for now, I shall write more another day. Current Mood: crappy (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 23rd, 2007
7:08 pm	Alrighty update time So I haven't written in awhile, been busy and not sure what to say but now I have way too much in my head and need to get it out. On Oct. 4th I saw my ex Gary for the first time in about three years. The reason I saw him was because of my plans for moving to Oregon I wanted to see everyone one last time and say good bye to them. We hung out at a park by his house for a little bit just talking and catching up, then we went over to the Bee hive in huntington beach, it's a little bar he goes to. First non-sports bar I have been to in a long time but it was nice. I got to meet a couple of his friends........steve, an older guy who hangs out there a lot, very friendly and enjoys flirting with all the ladies. And then Jeff not sure how old he is but I'm assuming around Gary's age, nice guy seems to have a lot of issues in his life right now though. So it was fun, got home way too late though, around 4am let's just say work sucked that day with 2 hours of sleep. I was suppose to go back to the bar with him and some more of his friends after work but I was too damn tired so I didn't go. Then we hung out again on Wed Oct 17th I took him out to dinner we had Pick up stix which I hadn't been to in a long time, but it was good. He ended up getting a call after dinner, and had to go home real quick to take care of some stuff, but then came back and we talked for awhile.......then we went to the bee hive again.....Jeff came a little after we got there. I'm beginning to see why Gary enjoys hanging out there, the bar tenders are hot and always showing the boobies. But it is a fun little place to hang out. That night got home about 3am. And then we hung out last night again.......went to In and Out, saw The Comebacks.......much better movie then I expected, very retarded though, but funny retarded. And then we went to the bee hive afterwards, which I knew was a mistake but I enjoy hanging out with him so I agreed. I got home about 2:30am, woke up and felt like shit so I stayed home from work with the "flu" today. I slept pretty much all day which was nice. But now I am truly freaking confused. I mean I really enjoy hanging out with Gary we mesh very well I think and he doesn't pressure me into talking. I have been talking more then usual but I don't normally start the conversation. I know he would like if I worked on that, but it's who I am and will take time to fix. And he still can't believe I don't drink, I usually get water when we go to the bar. I had a few sips of his beer and tried some energy drink with alcohol in it, kind of like a wine cooler. It was alright, made me loosen up a tad. But when I'm with him I forget about shitty days at work, and family crap which is great. We laugh a lot, and have a good time. So I am confused because since we've been hanging out I have thought about staying here instead of moving to Oregon. Only problem with that is if down the road say three or four months him and I stop seeing each other then I'll be kicking myself in the ass for not moving when I wanted to and staying for him. But on the other hand if I do stay and things work out perfectly and we do stay together for a long time then I would be kicking myself for moving and not giving things a chance. I mean he is getting his life together, has a good job, nice car, he lives with his grandmother right now but I can't bag on that because I live at home right now. But he's taking care of the things he needs to and is making a better life for himself. The only issues that I have right now is the drinking because he does it often, he doesn't get drunk or anything but it pretty much 3-4 days a week from the sounds of it. Also I don't feel he's completely into me. It is just little things that I'm probably read way too into but it just feels weird a little bit. I mean we've only kissed a couple times and they were just pecks. And there's no hand holding, so I don't know. We've been teasing each other a lot, but he hasn't tried to have sex with me no pressure or anything. I'm hoping Tricia will be able to shed some light on things. I'm going to attempt to get all of us together again tomorrow night for dinner. Tried last week but Tricia was busy. So hopefully tomorrow I will get some much needed answers by her asking questions. So right now not sure about the moving thing, I mean if I don't move to Oregon right now I am definetly go to be moving out of this house around here somewhere, and I'm looking to get a new job as a nanny. So things will be different soon enough for the better I'm hoping. Alrighty enough rambling I need some food in my tummy. Current Mood: confused (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, September 3rd, 2007
12:03 am	Am I crazy? Alrighty, so I decided to move the first weekend in Jan. I broke the news to my mom, who seemed to take it somewhat well........not a lot of talk back or nothing, not many questions.........just pretty much good for you. I haven't broken the news to my best friend or boss yes. Probably will tell my best friend this wednesday because I have no work and she has no school so we might do lunch. My boss on the other hand not sure when I will tell her. I asked for some days off in December so I could go look for a place, but she's been very stressed out lately because our office just moved. So, she hasn't talked to me about my days off yet, I figured after the move and she settles in and is a little less stressed she'll talk to me about the days off and that's when I'll break the news to her. But ever since I told my mom about it I have seriously been doubting what I am doing. Before that, and pretty much ever since my March vacation up there I have been extremely excited about the move and about the new change and everything. But since I told my mom about it, it's like all the negative thoughts have just flooded my head. I'm not sure if it's because I am making a huge mistake, or because I'm just freaking out over the unknown, I have no idea and I really wish I knew. I think the real reason I am over thinking this so much and having major doubts is because I rushed this. I mean I was planning on finishing school here, because it's cheaper and I could pay off more of my car and save up more money, but then family life has gotten a lot worse then what it was so I need out of here. It's like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. But I figure if I finish school in a year or so after the move, that won't be so bad. I mean I'm sure lots of people haven't started their career until they are 30, a lot of people are more unsure of what they want now a days so it's taking longer. So I'm sure the late start won't affect me so much. I'm just hoping I can find a decent job up there to tide me over until I finish school. So right now there's a lot of what ifs going around in my head and I don't like it. Alrighty off to bed now. Any advice would be much appreciated, but I'm beginning to think nobody I know really reads these. Current Mood: confused (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 7th, 2007
6:25 pm	Lost Respect So, today was the last straw, I have officially lost all respect for my brother. Him and I have never had the "perfect" sibling relationship, but at least I had respect for him........him stepping up, raising his family, getting married, having a job etc. But now that just went all down the drain, I no longer can look at my brother the same ever again. My niece came down stairs, told my brother that my nephew had hit her. She sat down with a huge smile on her face, my brother went up stairs told my nephew to get downstairs and not to say a word to him. My nephew was trying to explain what happened but my brother didn't take one fucking second to listen to his child. Instead he tells my nephew to sit in the chair and be quiet. My nephew turned around and tried to tell my niece why he did what he did, got the words out, but then my sister in-law told him to turn around and stop talking about it. Normally that would be the end of it, but my dumb ass fucking retarded brother decided it wasn't the end of it, and gave my niece permission to go hit my nephew in the face. I was so shocked at that, I wanted to break down crying right then and there, but kept my tears in until I got upstairs. Then they flooded out. Now I don't care about moving out.........I wasn't going to tell my parents for a little longer, so I could be 100% sure but that just topped it. I am moving out in Jan, I can not live in this house anymore and be a happy person. When I see bullshit like that happening I can't stay. Current Mood: crushed (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 11th, 2007
10:04 pm	Living in Hell Well I think my mom's worse nightmare is slowly creeping up and coming to be a reality. I think she jinxed it by talking about it at work. I have no idea how the heck it happened, but for some odd reason everyone in the house has taken the crappy pill or something this week. I think my mom has given up, she is doing less and less for my brother and his family and has gotten a shorter fuse with them. I admit she could have been a tad nicer when she told my sister in-law about using the washing machine, my mom pretty much freaked out, but I understand why she did because it's her house and her stuff and doesn't want anything else to get broke before they move out. Apparently the washer was left on delicate after my sister in-law was done with her delicate load and did a towel load.........well my brother was in charge of doing the next load that got the whole thing started, so he didn't change the dial to large load or whatever it is suppose to be. So sister in-law is now mad at him for getting her in trouble with my mom. And my lovely brother with the short temper of his is already tired and grouchy, this was just icing on the cake. He was yelling at his wife and wanting her to get out of their bed, like she has other options to sleep.......well she does, but I'm in the computer room right now so she can't use the bed in here, but I would have gladly left if she asked. And the worse part about it is the kids have to listen to this and they get yelled at by my brother for the stupidest littlest things you could possibly think of. My brother needs some parenting classes or something, he doesn't know how to discipline at all. His choice of discipline is sending them to their beds, which is like the worse thing you could possibly do. I hate living here so much when it gets like this because not only do I have to see my nephew and niece get yelled at, I have to relive my childhood.........so it is extremely hard for me not to cry when they are getting yelled at. And I see the effects happening to them already from my brother yelling so much. Neither one of them listen to him all that much, they say yes, ok all the time and get yelled at for doing that.......what the hell does my brother want them to say to him? If they stand there and say nothing they get yelled at if they say ok or yes they get yelled at what the hell? I really wish I could get out of here now and move up to oregon and start a fresh life, but I have to finish school. And until I do that I can't go anywhere. So my plan next semester is take as many classes as possible from the three colleges to get a lot done, most will be online so it should be doable. But I need out of here badly so I have to make the sacrifice and bite the bullet on school. Ok I'm going to cry now and hopefully get some sleep. Current Mood: crappy (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 3rd, 2007
11:04 pm	Here comes the snowball Well it has happened yet again, the god damn snowball effect. Yesterday I opened an email from a guy that use to be a real good friend of mine but then went on my asshole list who I talk to still about once every few months. Anyways, the subject title said sneak peak so I figured it was for an upcoming movie he was working on because he's a make-up artist. Instead it was a picture of his son who was born last friday. This shocked the hell out of me because him and I have talked in the past nine months, in fact we talked last week and no where in these talks did he EVER EVER mention he was having a child with his gf. Haven't talked to him since the email so no clue why, but from there things have gotten worse. I messed up on one of my classes, and completely blew it. I've been fighting a lot with my mom, more then usual and they are more tense, I'm not sure what the hell happened there. I feel so freaking trapped right now because I want out sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo badly but can't until I finish school. It really freaking sucks!!!!!!!!!! That is all. Current Mood: pissed off (Comment on this)
Monday, May 28th, 2007
12:46 pm	Well last night I went to the beach just to get away from everybody and have some me time. Didn't feel like going home afterwards so I went to go meet a guy that I met on collarme.com. We've been talking for about two weeks now and he's a pretty amazing guy. He's a Dom, and we seem to have a lot in common and mesh pretty well I think. So I went over to his house, got there around 11pm cause I got lost, we watched some fighting show that he's into, and the world's strongest man, that was a pretty amazing show.......and those guys are freaking huge. I got two hugs one when I got there and one when I left and oh my god he gives amazing hugs, very strong guy. So I'm hoping to see him again, but not going to do what I always do and daydream and hope and wish things will be a certain way. I'm just gonna go with the flow and whatever happens, happens. No expectations whatsoever. Current Mood: happy Current Music: chris daughtry (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 24th, 2007
6:36 pm	how? How is it that the complete low life of the world can find someone to be with and have a family with? My half brother had another child today, a premature girl, his girlfriend had the child two months early and the baby is really tiny. I just don't understand how he can find so many different women that want to be with him and have his children........he has two sons already by two different girls. His oldest son he doesn't see because the girl he had the child with died in a car accident and her parents fought for the boy and have custody now. And the other son he barely sees anymore if any at all. And apparently my wise half brother doesn't want to work right now because he knows it will all go to child support. So he sits at home and watches tv all day, but he is clean for six months now.........we'll see how long that lasts. I just don't understand what people see in him, to want to be in love with and sleep with him. I don't get it. I mean I'm a nice person, do well in life and I can't find anyone who even wants to be with me let alone have children with me. It's just so damn frustrating. Anyways that is all for now, gonna go take a long hot bath and relax, work has been hell. Current Mood: stressed (Comment on this)
Friday, May 4th, 2007
9:13 pm	why? The past couple of days I've been thinking about where I am in life. I really wish I could see just a glimpse of the future, to know everything will be ok, to know I'll be happy. I mean the older I get the more I think I won't get my happy ending. I look at my co-worker Cindy and picture myself like her in 10 years. I mean her and I are alike in more ways then we're different and it's really scary. She is single now, married once, no children, leads her life alone and has her set ways. And I feel I'm getting like that. I mean I do what I do, having to answer to nobody, not thinking of someone else. I go about my days/nights with my thoughts only. And it scares me to death. I mean I think I'm a fairly good catch, and I definetly want a family of my own. But I feel so hopeless, so behind. My mom was 23 when she had my brother, and 26 when she had me and her life was set from there on out. I just feel the more I go alone, the more I get use to it, the more I don't need a man, the more I feel like it's ok. I mean I've been going out alone more and more, not worried about what people think and I have a good time. I don't want to be this way, because I truly do miss the little things in a relationship, I miss the hugs and kisses, the feeling wanted/needed. I do want it and need it but when is it my turn? When will I be happy? When will I make someone else happy? When will I shine? I hate not knowing, I hate having this uneasy feeling like I will end up being the "cat lady". It's especially frustrating because I know exactly what I want, just seems hard to find. Anyways gonna go take a long bath and try to relax. Current Mood: worried Current Music: chris daughtry (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 2nd, 2007
10:23 pm	stupid or not? Well for some reason my first ex(gary) popped into my head today, right out of the blue. His birthday is coming up so I think that had something to do with it. I haven't talked or seen him in awhile........he pops up every now and again and then disappears for long periods of time. He's had some problems in the past. But I decided that I'm going to send him a birthday card, see how he's doing and all that good stuff. Last time I saw him he was working construction and seemed to be liking it but very long hours. I'm hoping everything is going alright with him..........also last time he popped up he asked me to move in with him, which was way out of the blue and shocked the heck out of me. Am I dumb for sending him a birthday card? I mean my romantic feelings are pretty much long gone for him, and I just care for him as a friend now. When we were seeing each other, he was a great guy.............made me smile, feel good, and was a gentleman. It's sad that he has had so many problems in his life. But I'm hoping the card will bring a smile to his face. Anyways I gotta get to bed, extremely tired. Current Mood: confused (Comment on this)
Monday, April 16th, 2007
7:12 pm	Speed up Alrighty so ever since I came back from heaven, I have been trying to find a way to speed up the process of moving. Now if this were 100% completely true, then I wouldn't have dropped three out of my four classes this semester. I still think there's a piece of me that I can't connect to, that is purposely telling my brain to set myself up for failure. I know that sounds odd, but I'm use to it, and I think a part of me wants to be held back so nothing is expected of me. I know that's sounds gibberish but that's the only way I can think of explaining why I do what I do. But next semester (summer) I am sticking to the classes that I pick no matter what, I will not talk myself out of it, because if I keep talking myself out of it, I will keep kicking myself in the arse for not doing what I'm supppose to be doing. I know change is tough especially for me, but also know this is something I need to be happy in life. Soooooooo GRRRRRRRRRRRRR is all I have to say about that. I posted a babysitting ad and got a job off of that, so that should help in saving up a little extra money. I told the lady I'd charge $125 per month because she has two kids and it sounds like he will be a steady job......her and her husband want a date night and will be gone 5-6 hours so I figure that's pretty good, and if I wanted to I could still get other babysitting jobs during the week or friday nights, so it works out for the best. I just need to start making more money, so I can pay my car off by the time I move, that would be real nice. So, if anyone knows of an easy way to make money feel free to let me in on the secret =) The only reason I want my car paid off is because it sounded like a huge hassle to get all the paperwork in order to take it out of state, and I don't feel like going through that. On to other lovely news.......my work has completely gone insane now.........we lost one of our big groups but not due to our work on the group.......the hospital they are working out of has decided to do in-house billing, so the group has no say in it at all. So, my boss has been depressed for the past week or so because she knew it was coming, just wasn't sure when. She's had that account for 17 years, so it has been a huge part of her office. So she pulled me into her office today when I gave her the message, and told me that we're probably going to have to down size and get more clients. In my mind I'm thinking you're crazy, but from the business side of things I know she has to because that big group was bringing in 300,000-500,000 a month, so I know that was a huge chunk of our money. And if she were smart and thought things out we could pull it off with a few less people. If she takes everyone's strengths and have them work on just that we could manage, wouldn't be fun or easy but it would be doable if she had to. And since the group left she thinks one of our co-workers might leave also, so that just really sucks. Our office is so messed up right now, it's not even fun coming to work anymore..........John is the only one that I'm not annoyed with and can make me smile and somewhat enjoy the day, if not for him I think I would have been long gone. Okie dokie it's dinner time. Current Mood: cranky (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 5th, 2007
10:44 pm	Weird Ever since I got back from my trip things have been really weird, and I can't exactly explain it. Maybe I shouldn't have taken the trip right now, maybe I should have waited. I mean I've seen what it is like up there and I love it, I just don't feel I could afford to move right now.....not just money wise, but I need to be more stable and I know if I moved now to anywhere I would never finish school. I have no idea what it is, but me and school just do not mix, I don't want to go but I know I have to. I mean I don't want to be doing data entry type jobs for the rest of my life, I want to do what I love and that's being around kids. But in order to do that I need some kind of schooling or most sane parents wouldn't trust me with their children. So I know I need to school but I just can't focus and in my head I keep making excuses up for why I miss classes or why I dropped classes. I mean if I would have stuck with all my classes that I've signed up for and dropped I'd probably have a BS by now and that's what is so freaking depressing. I've wasted so much time I could have been done by now if I would have just stuck with it. I mean Tricia is almost done with her AA and she's only been going like a year or so, granted she's taking 15 units or so a semester, which is amazing and she gets good grades. I need to stop comparing myself to her because I will never be her, I mean she loves school and learning and all that stuff and it's just not for me. But the class I'm taking this semester seems real fun and easy so I should be able to stick with it and pass it, then I'll take baby steps from there and add another class next semester and so on, so hopefully I can stay on track and finish by next spring which would be cool. I have figured out the money situation and I should have close to 6000 grand saved up by then if I stick to my plan and I should have most of car paid off which would be great. So I know I have a good plan, a very solid plan........it's just sticking with it and waiting that is killing me. I mean last week at work I broke down crying twice, TWICE!!!! I felt so fucking retarded because it was over stupid ass shit. But I came back from vacation and had all this work to do and people asking me to shit, and it just all piled up and the dam just broke. I mean the thing that broke the dam wasn't even my fault..........I put some charges in that were in the basket ready to be put in, but apparently they were suppose to have a note on them saying do not put in because some computer thing wasn't set up properly.........she Cindy who thinks she's all mighty powerful god, raised her voice and is like no,no,no they shouldn't have gone in, they weren't completely ready.......I took that as a personal thing and I shouldn't have, so I know it was my fault for freaking out but I hate when she raises her voice, it's like I'm being yelled at by my dad all over again. So my boss who didn't realize I was upset, called me in her office to tell me good news but then saw I was crying and asked what was wrong..........and anyone who knows me, knows that when I start crying nothing is coming out other then sobs and the occasional hiccup because I get so worked up. So, she did some talking while I relaxed a little bit, told me about my raise and that she put it on when I was on vacation, which I had noticed. Eventually I calmed down somewhat and explained what had happened and that I took it a tad too personal and she knows I do that. And then the next day, I have no freaking clue why but I just started crying again, not like the day before where I was sobbing, but a few tears came out. I don't know what is going on with me anymore, I figured it was because aunt flow might be coming because I tend to get more emotional around that time, but nothing so far...........I seem to be a little better now, but it was really weird and kind of scared me. Sometimes I wish I could get a brain scan to see if something is really wrong with me, like a wire crossed the wrong path or something. I think it would be neat just to see what it would say but then I'd also be freaked out if there was something truly wrong with me. Because there are times that I can be sitting and hearing someone talk and not comprehend anything, I hear the words but it's like my brain took a lunch or something and is in la la land, it's really weird........and then there are the times that I just stare off into space for no reason at all. Anyways time for me to head to bed and hopefully get a good nights sleep. Adios! Current Mood: weird (Comment on this)
Friday, March 30th, 2007
10:49 pm	My Trip..........Oh my god!!!!!! =) Well Friday March 16th I headed off to my life adventure, my trip to go check out oregon. Friday I drove up to Sunnyvale which is about 20 miles south of san francisco area and stayed the night there in a lovely motel 6. I was extremely tired when I got there and was thankful I took my dad's advice and didn't try driving all the way up to Eureka the first day. So then on Saturday I drove up to Eureka and stayed at another lovely Motel 6. I could completely lost in san fran which sucked ass, but eventually made my way through it to the right freeway.......they were having St. Patricks day stuff going on so some of the streets that I needed were blocked off so that made it harder to find the right freeway. So the first two days were just driving straight through, not many stops.........then on Sunday I drove up the coast of Oregon which was amazing, but frustrating..............very curvy roads and it was foggy for some of the drive. And since it was so damn foggy I was concentrating on the road and missed the turn to see the Seals which I was really looking forward to doing, but there was no easy way to turn around so I missed it. So by about 7pm I made it to Corvallis(spelling?) It was a very nice city, inland a little bit. On Monday March 19th I drove up to Troutdale which is a little south from Portland. I checked into the hotel, which had a crappy parking lot.......very bumpy and lots of huge holes in it..........I drove up to Astoria, it was raining that day so I didn't get out and look around the city, but it was nice. Around 4pm I got back to the hotel room, and waited for Dale to call. He was getting off work around 5pm and we were gonna hang out since I didn't want to be alone on my birthday. So, I got to his place around 7:45pm, he cooked me dinner, some yummmy pizza with lots of toppings..........very hilarious watching him cook it, but it came out better then I was expecting. We talked about my trip and his work as we waited for it to cook. Oh and when he opened the door, OH MY GOD!!!!!! Much better looking in person then his pics and he has a very nice home. So we watched Napaleon Dynomite, which I had never seen. It was a hilarious movie. We had some cookies and cream ice cream for dessert and it was so sweet, he put an actual oreo cookie in it, very nice touch. After the movie we talked a little bit more while he cleaned up, and then we said our goodbyes because he had to get up early for work. He walked me out to my car, and gave me an amazing hug, felt so freaking nice. I had very nice dreams that night thinking about him. It was the perfect away from home birthday.........very relaxing, had some good laughs, good food, good company and he was such a gentleman. Very impressive, not use to that, and it was such a nice change of pace. Because he could have easily done something if he wanted to, but didn't. I really hope that he is single when I move up there, I would love to give him a shot if he wanted it. He is the perfect guy for me, from what I know so far. Wishful thinking though. Moving on............Tuesday March 20th I drove up to Mt St Helen's which was a nice drive and I drove around the Gorge which was absolutely amazing......there were several beautiful waterfalls that you could see from the road. Made me a little sad being there alone, but still amazing. Wednesday March 21st I went to the zoo, which was small but still a great zoo.........most of the animals were awake and walking around........the sea lions were very active which was cool to watch. I bought some souviners for my niece and nephew and then headed down south to Medford. Thursday March 22nd I drove down to Coagalia which was a long freaking ass drive that I thought would never end, and then when I got to the hotel it was by some cow farms so it really smelled badly, so I couldn't have the window open which sucks because I love fresh air while I sleep. Friday morning I set out for Vegas, which was another 7-8 hour drive. I got there around 5pm and headed to the hotel (circus circus), checked in, went and took a shower and paged Jerrod. I met him around 7:30 for dinner and to hang out.........he took me to a very yummy italian place inside luxor.......it was very yummy, hit the spot. And then we went to play some Black jack where I lost 120 bucks, damn black jack. Then I played some slots while he watched............I got real tired around midnight and drove him home, I was a little bummed cause I was hoping he'd stay the night but probably better he didn't. Saturday March 24th I slept in real late, and just relaxed around the hotel room until like 5pm or so..........I went to get something to eat cause I was starving and paged a good friend of mine to see what he was up to cause I knew he was in vegas that weekend. He ended up coming to my room for a little bit and fucked the shit out of me, much needed fuck........I relaxed after he left and then went to gamble around 9pm until midnight........I got a 600 jackpot which was cool..........I saved that money but then kept pulling money out of my bank account so I ended up losing like 300 bucks overall which wasn't that bad at all. Sunday I gambled until 3pm or so and then headed home, after I was bummed out over losing the money. I got home around 9pm because there was a freaking lot of traffic, damn construction. Well that was my trip...........overall amazing and I loved Oregon so freaking much, I can't wait to move there. Well that is all for now. Done Deal! Current Mood: content Current Music: lifehouse (Comment on this)